Sunday, December 7, 2008

Apocalypse Meow

HhHHT!! PRRRR!! Meow, mjau, meuxx!! That's right kitty. This one's about you!

The internet - much like the pajama wearing brunette from the ring - never sleeps. You'd be a brilliant moron to try to capture even a fragment of what goes on in the subspace of its never endingness. Being more than a decade old and probably one of mankind's proudest achievements in our time, one would think that the quality of content would rise as the years tick by, feeding the promising minds of generations to come with enlightening produce from its world wide womb. ENGH!! (You know, the end of a basket ball match noise). Having spent more than enough time in between its pages, I think I have found its real essence. The building block of which it stems is nothing less than:

This guy.

Well, maybe not only him. But the army of mouse haters from which he spawned.

In the latter years there's been an uprising of feline based sites. This movement's main target is people with boring jobs. Which is, needless to say, almost everyone. If you're not a coal miner pick-axing your way through the burrows of Alaska you're probably sitting in front of a computer some time during the workday. And because you need both a computer and an internet connection to check your email, that little urge you get to see if there's anything else going on in the world can now be satisfied by a few simple clicks, filling your screen with furry goodness.

I want to map this phenomenon in the way it has infected my working life, listing them in no purrticular order (see what I did there, purr sounds exactly like per! much like lettuce sounds like letters with a New York accent. Try it out in the restroom when no-one's around).

1. Stuff on my cat. This self-explanatory name is the root of hilarious animal cruelty that has covered many a cubicle landscape with uncontrollable chuckles. My personal fave is the introduction of flapjacks on cats. Why does it work? My theory is as follows. The cat is one of natures most graceful creatures, right? They actually spend most of their days posing. Sexy women are often compared to them. Eartha Kitt even based her whole image on it. However, if you add an element that does not belong in the elegant equation, the whole facade crumbles. You must admit it is very difficult to be cute or alluring when being humped by a creepy looking baby-old-man-thing.

2. LOLCATZ AKA I CAN HAS CHEESEBURGER? As far as esoteric geek humor sites go, this one is simply retarded gold. The invention of a feline language to go with snapshots that make the ladies go awwww spells gray Monday giggle award. 'Tis Prozac in a cat.

3. Talking cats. Furthering my well documented evidence of cats for world dominance is the abundance of videos of cats actually speaking English. Go figure.

4. The serious ones. All the pages mentioned earlier have been derived in good humor. Some people though seem to have a need to take things just a little too far. In the case of Kittywigs I have no idea what to think. I would make a comment about someone having way to much time on their hands, but that would be the biggest glass house statement of the century. Still, it is pretty remarkable that someone looked at a cat and thought "how can I add more hair?" (BTW I'm divided between to favorites: Electric Blue and Silver Fox).

Honorable mentions!

At the end of this speculative blurb I find myself to be obviously brainwashed. Why did I even write this? Am I obsessed? Let's say I did it to rid mind of useless information. Before I go I sincerely apologize to those of you who hate cats and wish them all dead and humbly recognize that the average '08 coal miner also spends a lot of his time in front of his PC, especially since Microsoft published WinCanarie XP earlier this year. (I just caught myself trying way to hard to be funny). I now throw a sayonara your way with a find that relates both to the cat family and the mental capacity of this blogs author:

Kenny The Retarded Tiger: