Monday, December 15, 2008
Hey handsome, ever watch Troma? No? By the powers vested in me by the state of California I now pronounce you a douche. Low budget dirty horror movies with and extreme level of gore, laughs and Razzie award worthy acting. If you need a definition of so bad it's good, Troma is where to look.
Take for instance this little number
I guess the reason why people love these films is the ability to relate to the stories. Remember that time you fell into toxic waste, got super powers that helped you get ladies and beat up bad guys?
More trailers for thine amusement! They pretty much speak for themselves! DISCLAIMER!!! Not for easily grossed out people or breast feeding children of all ages!
A NYMPHOID BARBARIAN IN DINOSAUR HELL!!
CLASS OF NUKE'EM HIGH!!
"We're the youth of today".
Wow. That was fulfilling. That's it, I'm packing my bags and moving to Tromaville AKA Bakersfield. Not convinced? Don't take my word for it - take Sling Blade's word!
Zombies I reckon.
Sunday, December 7, 2008
The internet - much like the pajama wearing brunette from the ring - never sleeps. You'd be a brilliant moron to try to capture even a fragment of what goes on in the subspace of its never endingness. Being more than a decade old and probably one of mankind's proudest achievements in our time, one would think that the quality of content would rise as the years tick by, feeding the promising minds of generations to come with enlightening produce from its world wide womb. ENGH!! (You know, the end of a basket ball match noise). Having spent more than enough time in between its pages, I think I have found its real essence. The building block of which it stems is nothing less than:
Well, maybe not only him. But the army of mouse haters from which he spawned.
In the latter years there's been an uprising of feline based sites. This movement's main target is people with boring jobs. Which is, needless to say, almost everyone. If you're not a coal miner pick-axing your way through the burrows of Alaska you're probably sitting in front of a computer some time during the workday. And because you need both a computer and an internet connection to check your email, that little urge you get to see if there's anything else going on in the world can now be satisfied by a few simple clicks, filling your screen with furry goodness.
I want to map this phenomenon in the way it has infected my working life, listing them in no purrticular order (see what I did there, purr sounds exactly like per! much like lettuce sounds like letters with a New York accent. Try it out in the restroom when no-one's around).
1. Stuff on my cat. This self-explanatory name is the root of hilarious animal cruelty that has covered many a cubicle landscape with uncontrollable chuckles. My personal fave is the introduction of flapjacks on cats. Why does it work? My theory is as follows. The cat is one of natures most graceful creatures, right? They actually spend most of their days posing. Sexy women are often compared to them. Eartha Kitt even based her whole image on it. However, if you add an element that does not belong in the elegant equation, the whole facade crumbles. You must admit it is very difficult to be cute or alluring when being humped by a creepy looking baby-old-man-thing.
2. LOLCATZ AKA I CAN HAS CHEESEBURGER? As far as esoteric geek humor sites go, this one is simply retarded gold. The invention of a feline language to go with snapshots that make the ladies go awwww spells gray Monday giggle award. 'Tis Prozac in a cat.
3. Talking cats. Furthering my well documented evidence of cats for world dominance is the abundance of videos of cats actually speaking English. Go figure.
4. The serious ones. All the pages mentioned earlier have been derived in good humor. Some people though seem to have a need to take things just a little too far. In the case of Kittywigs I have no idea what to think. I would make a comment about someone having way to much time on their hands, but that would be the biggest glass house statement of the century. Still, it is pretty remarkable that someone looked at a cat and thought "how can I add more hair?" (BTW I'm divided between to favorites: Electric Blue and Silver Fox).
At the end of this speculative blurb I find myself to be obviously brainwashed. Why did I even write this? Am I obsessed? Let's say I did it to rid mind of useless information. Before I go I sincerely apologize to those of you who hate cats and wish them all dead and humbly recognize that the average '08 coal miner also spends a lot of his time in front of his PC, especially since Microsoft published WinCanarie XP earlier this year. (I just caught myself trying way to hard to be funny). I now throw a sayonara your way with a find that relates both to the cat family and the mental capacity of this blogs author:
Kenny The Retarded Tiger:
Friday, December 5, 2008
Having completed the first three levels of these menger sponges - the higher levels increasing in difficulty and folded paper bits, he daringly set forth to create Level 4 which would consist of 1,296,384 units of paper. 1,296,384 units. Folded. By hand. That's a lot of units.
Slowly but surely I saw it grow from 0,11% to 0,12%, quite enjoying the fact that this person was doing something way more tedious than I - that he would ultimately get little to no credit for. Alas, there is no Nobel prizes for origami enthusiasts.
I recently checked in to see how he was doing and I noticed to my angstful surprise that he has come to a screeching halt at 2,60%. His last update dated April 10 2008.
Has this connoisseur of papyrus given up on his quest? The worst case scenarios lined up in my head and the theories were plentiful. I list, I list in order of probability!
1. He's committed suicide.
2. He got a girlfriend.
3. He got his first paper cut and realized the danger of his project.
Anyway, here is the Level 4 Menger Sponge in all it's unfinished glory. I wish Mengerman all the best in his future endeavors and give him full credit for the 33,684 units of paper he actually folded.